How do you even title a post like this?

I've been struggling to write this blog post for a long time. I can't quite figure out what to say or how to say it. So here I go. I'm just going to plow through, so bear with me.

The day after I wrote my last blog post, I found out I was pregnant. Henry and I were overjoyed (and a little terrified). Everything was going great. I was four weeks along. I didn't believe the home test, so I went to the doctor and had them draw blood and they confirmed I was pregnant.

When I was at about 6.5 weeks, I had some spotting. It was minimal, but I called the doctor anyway. They decided to do blood tests to test my HCG levels. On Monday, September 10th, the HCG level was in the low normal range. On Wednesday, September 12th, I had another blood test. The HCG had only gone up about 40 points from 2317 to 2355. It should have doubled to 4600. Because of that, we were told the pregnancy was not viable. Henry and I were devastated. It was at this time I notified the few people I had told about the pregnancy that it was not viable. I did this because I was terrified that someone would send me a happy text or something and I couldn't deal with that.

The next morning, we went to the Doc to discuss options. Before we moved forward, she wanted us to have an ultrasound to see where we were at in the miscarriage process. At the ultrasound, we found a heartbeat. The embryo was small for it's age, but still alive. This began two weeks of hell. You think it's bad when you hear a pregnancy is going to end. And it is. It's awful. But the uncertainty of what is going to happen is absolutely unbearable. I had what is called a subchorionic hematoma (SCH). This is a bleed in the uterus and they are actually quite common. They don't always cause problems. This one did. It was too close to the embryo and was cutting off the blood supply. That Saturday, we tested my blood again. The HCG level had increased 300 points. Nowhere near what it should have, but it was a sign that the embryo was still alive. The following Tuesday, we had another ultrasound. The embryo had grown and developed. However, the outlook was still not good. The SCH was basically restricting the blood supply and causing a slow end to the pregnancy.

The Doc decided to give us plenty of time until the next ultrasound. On September 28th, we had the third ultrasound. At this time, there was no longer a heartbeat and the end of the pregnancy was confirmed. Although we had expected this, we were still clinging to the hope that a miracle might happen and the pregnancy could continue. It did not.

I was very lucky to be surrounded by an amazing group of people during this horrible time. My professors, fellow TAs, friends and family were all amazingly supportive. I know I was unpredictable and moody during this whole process. They were there when they needed to be and gone when they needed to be. I had countless offers of help, my professors let me slide on my homework, I was able to use another TAs assignment, people picked up the slack for me, and slowly but surely, life is going back to the new normal. I still have tough times. I tend to get what Henry and I call "the mopes" unpredictably and without warning, although that is getting much better. I'm able to be around people now, I can even talk about it fairly regularly. I'm getting caught up on my work and teaching and getting ready to delve into thesis work, which should have been started long ago. Some days are harder than others but the hard days are coming less frequently.

I may have appeared to drop off the face of the earth to some, so that is the reason why. I'm ready to socialize again (when I'm not inundated with school work) and I'm actually pretty fun to be around, unlike a few weeks ago.

Disclaimers:
1. I did not proofread or re-read this post before publishing. It was hard enough writing it the first time, I couldn't read through it again.

2. It's OK if you don't know what to say to me. You don't have to say anything. (Helpful hint - don't say things like "It's nature's way..." or "It's God's plan..." or whatever. They seem helpful but they're actually not. In any way. And they just make me want to punch you.) If you do want to say something here are some ideas: "I'm sorry for your loss." "I hope you have a successful pregnancy soon." "Would you like to go out for sushi?" "Would you like a cocktail?" "Would you like to ride a roller coaster?"

(End Disclaimers)

So thank you all for your love and support. It means a lot. And hopefully my next blog post will be cooler than this one.